Being obviously lesbian is hard. Tonight I went to a USC young alumni event and the night started off at the check in table, where the VERY gay man checking people in gave me That Look. The "I'm judging you" look. And so I smiled at him: defense mechanism #1. He gave me a more extreme version of That Look. It went downhill from there.
Have we discussed: The Bathroom? For me, it's like: The Locker Room - that place you go because you have a vagina but where you try to keep your eyes to the floor so no one will give you That Other Look which means, "You are a disgusting pervert. How dare you casually look at me." USC is not exactly gay pride so I'm not sure what I was expecting but as soon as I came out of the stall conversation STOPPED. STOPPED. Like your period when you're pregnant. Like a stick shift when you shift without putting the clutch in. It was embarrassing. I was peeing in the stall and all the girls were chatting about meaningless, trivial, drunk girl things and then I came out of the stall and started washing my hands and conversation STOPPED.
I returned to find Robert, who was casually chatting away to several straight girls and a few closeted gay men, and I entered the circle and smiled at each person and an aura of discomfort settled over the group. They knew Robert was gay. But when the lesbian got there everyone but Robert felt uncomfortable.
Why is that? Why is a dyke less popular in a straight/straight acting crowd than a gay man? Straight girls love gay men, gay men love gay men, some straight men are ok with gay men, and some lesbians love gay men. How many people love or are even just ok with lesbians?
Lesbians are (usually) ok with lesbians...gay men are sometimes but usually not ok with lesbians...
That's it. That's all I've got. A gay man is sure to find a horde of straight women eager to be his friends. He may encounter straight men eager to learn the secrets of manscaping and decorating their apartments. He may even meet lesbians who are happy to see him. But a lesbian will never walk into a crowd of straight men eager to make her acquaintance. A lesbian as dykey as myself will often make straight women uncomfortable, gay men confused, and straight men angry - because they will assume she's a man hater.
I used to be "straight" and I (think) hot and no one ever treated me like this. I was much more insecure and bitchy when I was straight but no one ever treated me like they treat me now that it's obvious that I'm a lesbian.
I'm trying to be a different person now that I'm gay; I'm trying to be more genuine and comfortable with myself. I'm trying to accept other people as they are and be less insecure. I smile genuinely and I listen when people talk and I try to approach each person I meet as an individual with value regardless of what they look like or what my first impression of them is. But sometimes I feel like none of that makes any difference to some people. I am so tired of being treated like a man hater/desperate pervert/dyke.
My closet felt wrong but in some ways it was so much easier to live in.
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