More lube please

My dog needs to have surgery.  Do you know how much that sucks?  It sucks $3,000 to $4,000 worth of being fucked in the ass that's how much it sucks.

I'm trying to convince my credit union to give me all that money.  Last time I asked for $250 and got approved in a day.  This time I have a feeling they're gonna sit and think about it.

I got my last loan from this guy named Matt, so I called and asked for him again and tried to work my straight girl voice magic like last time.  I'm not sure he fell for it.  Bankers love money more than sex.  I know this because I know Robert.

Robert owns Camp Robert Resort, Spa, Casino and Fertility Clinic.  One-stop shopping so to speak.  We were united in a passionate faux marriage for 8 months before he disowned our dog child and threw me out of the house.  He lives in Orange County which is kind of like what I imagine Mars would be like if it had a thriving economy and a caste system.

I used to drive a Daewoo in Orange County and people did not appreciate that.  Sometimes when I looked in my rearview mirror I could see their knuckles turning white as they gripped the steering wheel in righteous fury.

I always drove in the far right lane because I thought maybe that way they would know ahead of time I was going to be moving slowly, but in Orange County every lane is the FAST LANE.  I calculate that I have been personally responsible for 162 rage-induced heart attacks in Orange County alone.

Now I live near downtown LA in a tiny little studio apartment with a stained carpet.  I fucking love it.  No one here goes to the grocery store in 5" stilettos and a new boob job.  Most of the people I pass on the street have way LESS money than me.  People get that I'm a lesbian and they usually feel some type of way about it but I always know exactly what type of way that is.

Of course, I also work at SC, which means that whenever I'm feeling nostalgic I can take a short walk across campus through the haze of expensive perfume and judgment.  Fight on.

Don't get me wrong, I love USC almost as much as my dog who I spoon every night.  SC fucking rocks.   They gave me an almost free education and a job with nice benefits.  Every summer they give me toned girls in skirts riding bikes into the wind.

And hopefully, they're gonna give me a loan.