Why America is Great, Part I

It's President's Day and as USC was kind enough to pay me to exist someplace besides The Graduate School today I've had the time to post this lovely and accurate synopsis of American history so that you may all fully appreciate how awesome our country is while thinking fondly back on all the brilliant, visionary presidents we've enjoyed in our lifetime.

Source

Now that you're done having that extremely brief depressive episode let's get back to American history.

American history started in 1492 when Christopher Columbus sailed across the ocean blue and discovered an entire continent already covered with people.  He then claimed this land for another group of people living someplace else by sticking a flag in the ground.  I don’t remember if claiming an entire populated continent required a more elaborate ritual than flag planting but I do remember multiple drawings in historical texts depicting European explorers posing robustly, their respective colors flying proudly, while dark and swarthy natives minced reverently around them.

I can only assume that flag planting had at least some relevance to the process.
Source 

Once their flags were anchored safely in the savage ground of the Americas the European explorers (of whom there were multiple groups who planted flags in different geographical areas) spread out throughout the land pillaging and raping it.  Only the history books I and my fellow victims of the Sumner School District were provided with never said anything about pillage, rape, slavery or genocide until later when somebody pointed out that the history books had left some things out and the publishers were confronted with the daunting task of making American history palatable to a population not composed entirely of those who had come out on the winning side of the flag planting extravaganza. 

Source

But I digress. 

Following the raping and pillaging it looked like England had won the war for what is now known as the continental United States, Spain had been forced to settle for the beautiful (but unfortunately, also populated) Central and South America (except for Brazil, which went to Portugal), and other, less important countries (such as France and Holland, sometimes mysteriously referred to as the Netherlands) had slunk back to Europe chastised by their failure to conquer the world. 

At this point the wildcard, the American colonies, erupted messily all over the Western Hemisphere by declaring their Independence from England and then kicking England’s ass in an kickass war led by totally awesome guys who wrote down really progressive things and created Our Country, the United States of Fucking America. 

I don’t remember exactly what happened after that because at that point in my historical education I had reached puberty and stopped paying attention in class.

Boobs

Then the country had a big blow out when the southern colonies realized the tea sipping hippies up north were holding them back economically and decided to hightail it outta there.  At this point lots of people died and some more stuff happened and here we are today, the greatest country in the world because look at that, look at our history.  Our country valued democracy and respect for individual rights before anybody else even thought of that.  

Therefore, fellows lovers of America, because our founders had a good idea first, the United States of Fucking America is the most amazing nation on the planet, even if other countries have higher standards of living, less crime and sometimes elect female presidents.

And that is why America is great.  Happy President's Day.